Do Zombies Poop?
Thanksgiving Break: Cornucopthulu

DZP is taking a break for Thanksgiving. With all the traveling to see my family and such, I didn’t have time to write a new question. Instead, enjoy this (entirely true!) story.

A man and his son were walking through a store the day after Halloween. The store employees were clearing out the creepy decorations and putting up the Christmas trees and decorations. The two holidays mixing created a dead, winter wasteland that reminded the boy of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

"Dad," the boy started, "Why is the store already putting up Christmas decorations?"

"Well, it is the next holiday," was the father’s response.

The boy looked confused.

"What about Thanksgi-" he started but was cut off by his father putting his hands over the boys mouth.

"No more questions, son!" the father said sternly. "Keep them to yourself until we get back home!"

Once they arrived home, the father shut and locked all the doors and windows and pulled all the curtains.

"Sit down. It is time you learn the story of Cornucopthulu," the father said while taking a seat next to his son. "In times long ago, a beast roamed the earth. Part man, part turkey, part cornucopia, all evil. It fed on thankfulness; if a person was thankful within hundreds of miles of the beast, it would hunt them down and devour them. The last sound to reach their ears before death would be the haunting gobbling. Needless to say, man was very careful to never be thankful. They released plagues upon themselves, creating the Dark Ages, a time when man had very little to be thankful for."

"When word spread of the so-called New World, a secret society who called themselves the Pilgrims wanted to escape and be thankful. They thought they were safe and thus had a celebration, the celebration that you have been taught of called Thanksgiving. What you haven’t been taught, though, was the massacre that occurred after the celebration. The Pilgrims were so thankful that Cornucopthulu was alerted from Europe. It traveled at a rapid rate and arrived just as the Thanksgiving celebrations were ending. Only a select few who were not so thankful since they got the short end of the wishbone survived. Man went back into a state of un-thankfulness which continues today. That’s why Americans are so ungrateful and that is also why stores skip Thanksgiving decorations. They hope people will be so caught up with the greedy Christmas mood that they will forget all about Thanksgiving. That is also why Black Friday was invented. Some people skip Thanksgiving entirely to wait in line to buy shit!"

"Do you understand, son?" the father asked.

"I guess so," the boy replied, "but how do you know all this, Dad?"

The father cried a single tear before saying, “You know how you never got to meet Grandma and Grandpa? Well, I was so thankful the day you were born, Cornucopthulu came and devoured them both.”

The father began to sob and his son hugged him. He tried to comfort him saying, “I’m glad Cornucopthulu didn’t get you daddy. I am so thankful I have you.”

These were the last words the father heard before a horrifying gobbling filled the air.

THE END

Come back next week for a real DZP question.

Could a Werewolf Mate With an Actual Wolf While in Transformation?

Everyone knows that a full moon means it is transformation time for werewolves. Time for carnage, terrorizing, and feasting on some delicious villagers. The next morning, the werewolf will wake up, human again, clothes missing or severely damaged, covered in blood, disoriented, and unsure of what happened the night before and where they are. (What did one werewolf say to the other when they were lost? “Howl will we get home?” Props to Lydia, the coolest little girl I know, for the writing credits of this slightly edited joke.) So basically, it is like a hangover. Similarly to a hangover, after a full moon, does a werewolf have to try to remember if the “kept it in their pants?” I mean, while in transformation, could a werewolf mate with an actual wolf? Werewolves need some lovin’ too, right?

Well the question isn’t technically CAN they mate with an actual wolf, because anyone could do that if they tried hard enough and didn’t mind claw marks. No, the real question is, could the mating result in offspring? For this to happen, the two (the werewolf’s and the wolf’s) genes would have to be similar and with a similar chromosome count. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes while a your typical gray wolf has 39 pairs. Because of the great difference, humans and wolves could not produce offspring together. However, when a werewolf is in transformation, it is possible that their genetics change. Since a werewolf seems to be a perfect mix of a wolf and a human, it would be likely that their chromosomes would be somewhere in between the two, or about 31 pairs. So, the chromosome counts are fairly close and obviously the genes would be similar between a werewolf and a wolf, so it would seem possible that they could produce offspring. The key word is possible though. Genetics are very complicated and tricky sometimes. If a werewolf and a wolf did have offspring, it would have about 35 chromosomes, which could either result in a hybrid, like ligers, or possibly a disorder or mutation in the offspring, like down syndrome in humans.

So it is not entirely unlikely that offspring could occur, but the real question is would a werewolf even want to mate with a wolf? Or could they be distracted from killing long enough to do so? I guess that would have to be one sexy wolf. Come back next week for a new question.

Are Mummies Just Egyptian Zombies?

Till now, zombies, vampires, and werewolves have dominated DZP. That ends now; it is time for a new monster. I’m talking about mummies, and I don’t mean those ones you see in museums (though those do give me the creeps.) No, I’m talking about the walking dead mummies come back to take revenge on those pesky archaeologists! Hmm, walking dead? That term sounds kind of familiar; isn’t that a term for zombies? (And a new kick-ass show on AMC?) So what is the difference between zombies and mummies? Is a mummy just an Egyptian zombie?

Well, what defines a zombie? Because if a mummy fits the definition, then it is safe to assume that a mummy is a zombie. Well, a zombie is a corpse that has been reanimated by some natural, yet catastrophic event like a virus or radiation from a space shuttle. A zombie also eats the flesh, or at least the brains, of his victims. OK, well a mummy is a reanimated corpse, a bit more preserved and less decayed than a zombie, but reanimated corpse none-the-less. But a mummy isn’t reanimated by natural events; mummies are brought back by Egyptian mystic magic and curses to take revenge on those who disturb their rest and intrude their tomb. But mummies don’t eat their victims. They just want to kill them to make them GTFO!

So it seems while mummies are similar to zombies, they are not the same thing. Though they do shamble and move slowly, just the way dead things should! The real lesson learned from this question though, is do not become an archeologist because you will most likely be killed by a pissed off, reanimated Egyptian corpse. Also, yes, I do realize this question was still kind of about zombies. Oh well, they are kind of the namesake of the site. Come back next week.

Presenting DZP’s First Reader-Submitted Question: How Did Eddie Munster End Up a Werewolf When His Parents are a Vampiress and a Frankenstein’s Monster?

The Munster’s, in case you’ve never heard of them, were your typical ’60s blue-collar family.Typical other than the fact that they were monsters. The family consisted of Herman Munster, a Frankenstein’s monster, his wife Lily, a vampiress, Lily’s father (aka Grandpa), also a vampire, Herman and Lily’s niece, Marilyn, the only normal looking family member, and Herman and Lily’s son, Eddie, a werewolf. But wait, a Frankenstein’s monster and a vampiress have a kid and it comes out a werewolf? How’s that happen?

At first, you may think the Munster’s son should be some kind of vampire with a flat-top and bolts in his neck. But remember, a Frankenstein’s monster is made of body-parts of various people, so the genes from his sperm wouldn’t be monster genes, but rather the genes of the man whose testicles were used to make him. If that man had been a werewolf, some of his wolf genes could have been passed on to Herman’s son. So this could contribute a bit to Eddie’s wolfism, but not enough to make him a a full fledged werewolf. A lesser-known fact about vampires could fill in the gap though: though vampires are associated with bats now, they originally were associated much more with wolves. Even Dracula could transform into a wolf as well as a bat. This is even demonstrated in “The Munsters” with Grandpa having the ability to transform into a wolf. So Herman’s possibly werewolf balls and vampires’ wolf abilities can totally account for Eddie being a werewolf. Or you could just take into consideration the fact that the show mentions that Lily has a werewolf brother so werewolf is in Eddie’s blood. But wolf balls and vampwolves (that’s right, I’m referencing previous questions so study up!) are more interesting.

Thanks to Justin for the question. Everyone else, make sure you send your questions toe DZP.Questions@gmail.com and maybe you’ll get to see it answered!

If Zombies, Vampires, and Werewolves Encountered Eachother, Could Hybrids of the Three Exist?

You might not think so at first, but zombies, werewolves, and vampires have a few things in common. They all like to bite, they can all turn you into one of them through a bite, and they all were once human (not to mention the fact that they have all been the subjects of questions on DZP.) Also, two of them are undead and two of them only come out at night. I’ll give you a hint: one of the two in both examples is vampires. Despite these monster’s similarities, you rarely hear stories of the three coexisting. Sometimes vampires and werewolves will encounter each other, but never all three. Imagine the destruction and number of deaths the world would face if it were plagued by all three at once! If this were to happen, it would be fairly likely that the three monsters would encounter each other, so could there be hybrids? Would we have to worry about each one independently plus werezombs, vampwolves, zompires, and possibly even werezompires?

To figure this out, we need to go through each hybrid, discuss what would happen to create the hybrid, and if this is a plausible story. So first off, the werezomb, a zombie werewolf. The easiest way for this to happen would be for a werewolf not in transformation to be killed by zombies. Once he is resurrected as a zombie, he would continue to turn into a werewolf on full moons. Zombies keep a part of their past lives, like some memories, as seen in “Day of the Dead” and “Land of the Dead” so it is pretty likely that a werewolf would keep the ability to transform. Of course, just like regular zombies, the werezomb would not be able to run fast since dead things can’t run, but it would be dangerous none-the-less. A vampwolf is basically the same story; a werewolf gets turned into a vampire and now spends most of the time being a regular vampire, but would become a wolf on full moons. Totally plausible. A zompire is not quite as likely. To become either a vampire or a zombie, one has to die and since they’re both already dead how could they die again to create the hybrid? Not gonna happen! Of course, this would rule out the possibility of a werezompire.

So remember, if you are being attacked by zombies, werewolves, and vampires at the same time, calm the nerves of those around you by saying, “Don’t worry! Only two of the four hybrids you are thinking about could possibly happen!” And remember, the only way you’ll be able to kill a werezomb is with a silver bullet to the brain, and you’ll need silver stakes to drive through a vampwolf’s heart!

Happy Halloween!

If Humans Waited in Hiding Long Enough, Would Zombies Decompose to the Point of Being Harmless?

Zombies don’t have claws, they don’t have fangs, they can’t put spells or curses on you, and, typically, they’re not intelligent enough to wield weapons. So what makes them so dangerous? What is their “weapon?” Really, it is just their teeth and fingernails. They bite and scratch and they use their numbers to their advantage. Essentially, with their weakness due to decay, it is like fighting an old person. This might not sound so bad, but imagine an entire nursing home coming at you, beating at you with their wrinkly fists, scratching at you with their yellowed fingernails, yelling “get off my lawn!” Replace that phrase with “brainssss!” and you’ve basically got yourself a zombie apocalypse. With the old folks, you just have to keep alive until Matlock comes on, or till they all die, which shouldn’t take too long. Is it possibly the same with zombies? The part about them all dying that is, not the Matlock thing. If we just waited long enough, would the zombies just decay away?

The short answer is yes. Zombies are dead, they are decaying, eventually they will be a pile of goo, compost, plant food (Popcap Games took this literally when they made “chompers” in their game Plants Vs. Zombies.) But how long would that take? Well, after only a few weeks, a human body will decay to the point that fingernails and teeth will begin to fall out. So after about a month, all of the fingernails and teeth would be gone. This would leave the zombies mostly harmless, especially because after a month, body tissue would begin to liquefy. Imagine a bunch of old people in wheelchairs wearing mittens who have lost their dentures…and their wheelchairs. Not particularly scary. But if you really want to make sure that the zombies are entirely harmless, in open air, a human body will be reduced to basically just bones with scraps of tissue within a year. By this point, the brain will be long gone and, since the way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain, it can be assumed that if the brain decomposes, the zombie will die.

So one year in hiding and humanity will be saved. This will of course require us to prevent new zombies from forming, maybe just different funeral arrangements. Say, maybe a 21 gun salute with the guns pointed at the corpse’s head instead of the sky. Thanks for being patient with last weeks hiatus, check back next week for another question.

Sorry for the Delay

Due to illness (I think its a nasty case of the T-Virus), this weeks question will be skipped. Check back next week when I have rested and have a clearer head.

If a Vampire Feeds on a Drunk Person, Will They Become Intoxicated as Well?

Vampires seem to be pretty classy. What, with the big castles and always flaunting their prestigious “count” titles. So, like any other aristocrat, vampires probably enjoy a nice drink with meals. But when you’re on a strictly liquid diet, well, having a drink with your drink seems a bit redundant. What’s a suave bloodsucker to do to keep up their reputation? Buy a monocle? Sure, but eventually the newness will wear off and they’ll be right back at square one. But what if there was a way? What if their victim was drunk? If the persons blood alcohol level was high enough, could the vampire enjoy a meal and a drink at the same time?

Vampires drink their victim’s blood, so any alcohol in that blood will be filtered through the liver. So the vampire’s BAL will be lower than their victims was. About 10% less actually. Basically, this means the vampire’s drunkenness will always be a step behind their meal’s drunkenness. If the human was wasted, the vampire will be drunk, if the human was drunk, the vampire will be buzzed, and so on. So if the vampire wants just a drink, they need to find someone who is just buzzed. Of course, this would require the vampire to know how much the victim has drank. So they could either be a creeper at a bar watching people from the corner, or they could always throw a party. After all, it is easier to monitor someones alcohol intake when you’re the one providing the alcohol. Though they might still seem like a creeper as they immediately cut someone off at the first sign of a buzz. Then again, that probably won’t be what is on the persons mind as they’re having fangs puncturing their necks.

So, yes, a vampire can get drunk if their victims BAL is high enough. And if they really want to step up the class, they could always stab their victims in the neck with one of those little umbrellas before sucking their blood.

Till next week, make sure you send in your own monster questions to DZP.Questions@gmail.com

Can Vampires Have Sex?

Vampires have gone through quite an evolutionary change since they were introduced. From the horrifying, ugly Nosferatu to the beautiful, and maybe even sexy, Lestat and Louis from “Interview with a Vampire,” vampires have always remained terrifying. It hasn’t been till recently, with the introduction of the “Twilight” series, that vampires were widely thought of as lovers. This book series has struck up much debate about vampire lore, but love or hate the books, they did bring up one very interesting question: Can vampires have sex? Or more specifically, can male vampires have sex? (Spoiler Alert! Edward and Bella totally do it!)

Now, some people may be asking, “well why couldn’t they have sex?” Well the main argument for why they can’t is that vampires are dead and have no blood. And since an erection is simply a rush of blood to the penis, without blood, it would seem that vampires cannot get an erection. So it would seem that without some Vampiagra, male vampires would be missing a key component for sex. However, it is important not to forget that vampires drink blood. They drink blood to make up for their own lack of blood. With this logic, we can tell that a vampire could have an erection, but only if he had recently fed, giving him the blood necessary to have an erection. So this covers the ability to have sex, but could they finish the act, that is, could a vampire ejaculate? Well, it takes about 65-74 days for sperm cells to mature. That means for a vampire to have sex that ends with an orgasm, he would have to be sure to feed fairly often for about 2 and a half months prior to the act to ensure that he constantly has blood flowing to the reproductive system allowing sperm creation.

So technically, yes, a vampire could have sex, it would just take months of preparation. Then the only question that remains is “is necrophilia really worth that much work?”Till next week, make sure you send in your own questions to DZP.Questions@gmail.com

Updates Every Friday

Just to update, Fridays seem to work for me so check back every Friday for new updates…I will most likely be updating them early, like midnight or so.